#03

Kau tahu tak satu benda yang paling aku takut? Aku tak dapat bagi kasih sayang pada anak yang bakal aku lahirkan. I'm afraid I won't be able to invest a qood and quality time with him as much as he needs me to. Dari satu sudut bila aku perhatikan diri aku sendiri, I have so much love to give, yet I don't know how. I can't even love person in a proper way. I'm egoistic, and selfish as well. Dalam keluarga, I rather assumed myself as the rebellious one. I have the desire to do things according to my understanding and beliefs. 

Aku sanggup tinggalkan kesenangan, and loved ones to be on my own, here, at this remote place. Just to prove that, aku mampu hidup sendiri, aku mampu bertapak, dan aku lebih baik dari apa yang orang percaya aku mampu buat. I bought tickets with every saving I had, tanpa pengetahuan ahli keluarga yang lain, nailed the interview, cari rumah sewa on the night I supposed to work lepas kena tipu dengan agen rumah sewa di KL masa tu. But it didn't bother me, I kept moving on. (Hampir) semua orang against keputusan yang aku buat, sebab I have no one here. Again at this remote place. Abang jauh di JB, dan jujur waktu tu aku dan Jerry sendiri didn't contact each other as we'd parted our own ways. But I managed. 

No, that's not the end to it. Even if I manage to convince people of my ability, I fail in one thing. The distance causes so much pain, and heartbreaks. I fail to love people I should love. Tak kira sekerap mana sekalipun aku mengirim pesanan atau menelefon mum, atau siblings yang lain, we grew apart. Aku sudah tidak berkesempatan melihat adik bongsu sendiri membesar dan menjadi seorang anak gadis yang pemarah, manja, keras kepala dan cengeng. I lost count how many days went by without seeing mum's face, tanpa mendengar leteran mama, dan I couldn't reven remember keadaan susur atur rumah sejak kali terakhir aku tinggalkan.

That's the irony. Even if I succeed, I still fail. I don't know how to love. I let the ego in me to control my thoughts and being. Kadang-kadang, aku lebih suka menang. Aku lebih suka sunyi menyusup ke hujung talian dari membalas 'Aku sayang kau juga' to people I love. Pernah beberapa kali, aku nangis di depan Jerry dan bagitahu how much I love people around me, but I just don't know how to show. Dengan bebanan kerja yang semakin bertambah hari demi hari, mampukah aku untuk tunjuk the love I reserve for them?

Untuk anak yang bakal aku lahirkan, 
The love I have for you is a blessing and can't even be described with words. I might unable to express it with words, but if you see me waking up at 5, making breakfast for your dear Daddy Jerry, or call your grandma at 11 just to know if she's fine, or stalk you auntie's fb to make sure she doesn't have boyfriend, or hug your daddy Jerry while he's asleep, or discussing your uncle Titing's future at night, please, please, please...I would do the same to you. Me and your daddy Jerry have planned everything for you so you don't have to walk the same path as I did. No, not to live in agony the way I did. 

As for now,  membesar dan lahirlah dengan selamat, my dear son. 

#02

Bulan hadapan, genaplah a year aku dan Jerry tinggal bersama. From stranger to kawan gaduh, I must say marriage life is funny. Hari ni, kau peluk suami kau yang tak mandi, esoknya kau mengamuk marahkan suami kau sebab masak nasi goreng manis. Yang tak kahwin lagi, sepatutnya bersyukur. Hidup bujang, berbakti dengan keluarga sendiri. Dah kahwin ni, asyik balik rumah pandang orang yang sama. But you know what, terpisah sehari dua hari dah boleh buat rindu gelagat kawan serumah yang kadangkala maha annoying. 

Truth be told, Jerry is not an annoying housemate. As in fact, dia yang rasa terannoy oleh aku. Bila marah, hal dua tiga tahun lepas aku sembur. Bila marah, tak ingat dunia, tak ingat Tuhan. Few people around me knew me so well, that they dare not say anything to not get me mad. 

Maybe I surround myself with negativity and bad vibes. Jerry cakap, mesti terbawa-bawa dari cerita FB. Ah, I couldn't deny. I read less nowadays, and I somewhat envy him for reading at night after I fell asleep. How did he disciplined himself? How did he managed to social less in social network? Dalam sebulan belum tentu FB dia buka, kalau ig, asyik tengok video lawak hambar lepas tu download send ke bini walaupun I didn't find it to be funny at all. Oh, people know how much he loves cat, to not adopt one. (We're living in a mean world where one does not permitted to adopt cat). And when things get rough, he sends cat funny videos just to cheer me up. 

He's a good man, sebab dia akan bangun dari kerusi dan kentut jauh-jauh if he wishes to kentut. He knows, I'm gonna get mad and it will take him hours to explain the chronology of his kentut. Sebenarnya, I don't have proper definition of good sebab bila marah, aku selalu cakap dia tak bagus padahal dia punyalah sabar sampaikan the whole family aku sayangkan dia for being so penyabar to their anak-kakak-adik yang pemarah ni. Sebenarnya, aku rasa perempuan-perempuan yang tolak atau kecewakan Jerry ni dulu dah rugi besar. Sebab, in marriage, you don't need good looks, suami badan sasa, suami yang romantic, suami yang asyik bawa kau makan sedap hari-hari. No, those do not matter. 

Yang penting, pasangan yang penyabar, yang terima buruk kau tengah marah, pasangan yang tak pernah cakap kasar walaupun kau dah habis mengamuk macam orang gila. Dan, to make things fair, he's lucky as well for having me as his wife. (Sorry terangkuh sikit). Because I am independent, pandai dan rajin masak, selalu buat his facial treatment, his number one fashion and financial advisor, and of course a supportive wife yang kadangkala bangun 3 pagi temankan dia tengok Arsenal match (walaupun kalah). Mungkin, comel juga walaupun hidung besar. 

Rezeki tahun ni pula agak baik, mungkin sebab bak kata ustaz FB, kalau senangkan hati bini, mesti rezeki melimpah ruah. Well, true lah. Kau asyik buat bini kau marah, mood jadi tak baik, dan kau pun malas nak kerja. Bila malas kerja, mana nak cari duit? Aku fikir secara logik, please.

So love, kahwin dan carilah lelaki yang penyabar. (Asalkan jangan cari Jerry). Dan, masa bercinta, bertunang sangatlah berbeza dengan waktu dah kahwin ni. Because both of you have aged, and you take so many things into consideration sebelum buat benda bodoh. And you'll see how much your partner loves you in the morning, bila he kisses you on the forehead for no reason despite your funny and ugly looks and muka serabai. He does not care how much you weigh, nor your outfits no longer suit you, all he cares is to put a bright smile on your face, every single day. Macam fairytale, tapi bukan fairytale sebab good moments do not last. But as for now, let's enjoy littlest things in life. Seperti ketawa bersama, misalnya.

Until then, loves.

#01

I don't really have much things to say, only a couple of thoughts or so. Mum called me just now, she was asking how am I, and of course how's my pregnancy so far. I don't know what has gotten into me. Tiba-tiba rasa tak mahu bercakap and silence just slip in. Macam mood swing pun iya juga, all of sudden, cold and bitter. Even this morning, as my colleague wanted to ask me few things, I showed my left hand signalling her that I was not in the mood to talk. I know, mean right? Mungkin juga mum kecil hati as I hadn't ring her for few days. Too caught up in works, I guess. 

Sebenarnya, I have no problem working my ass off, sangkut dalam kerja yang berjumbled, tapi what pisses me is bila kerja kena berkerjasama dengan orang yang tak boleh harap. Macam chipsmore, aku ada then kau takda. Bila nak cari je, hilang. Bila tanya bila siap, mulut berbuih dengan ayat manis. Ah, lagi satu bila kena hadap kerja yang so problematic. Because getting things done mean, bukan one sided party yang kena buat semua kerja while the rest bedal pass kerja. Bila aku minta benda tu ASAP, aku hantar e-mail dengan sign High Importance, maksudnya memang pentinglah. Bukan bila aku kejar kau minta your part, the answer is, eh ingat tak penting so on hold dulu lah. Agaknya, I need to raise my voice dan mengamuk macam betina mengandung yang pre-meroyan baru semua reti nak berkerjasama. 

Again, please read the first line on the second paragraph. I don't mind having too much things/tahi/problems to be done. Not at all. But at least, if you want to centralized things, putting me in circle of dia-buat-semua-kerja, please...please...provide me with info as well. Ok fine, aku ibarat baby baru nak belajar merangkak, kena minta few data from respective people, then faham sikit why these shits took days on my side. Aku baru nak belajar merangkak, esoknya kau suruh aku berlari. No, not funny. 

You get what I mean? 

No, don't say yes. Just read and laugh, I don't need your damn brain to digest things I've said here. Becoming mom trains me to be tough. Walau penat, jangan membebel penat, terus buat kerja. Because bebeling won't help. Membebel cuma buat mood rosak dan at the end of the day, you curse yourself for getting mad at your husband for no reason at all. 

On another note, I have deleted the previous posts because I realize I'm too old to be deep, shallow, and pretending to be jargonistic as hell. From now on, let's write shits not according to people's mockery. 

Bak kata Pessoa,
No, I don't want to requote Pessoa.

Kau nak tulis macam budak baru putus cinta, budak darjah satu, atau whatsoever, tulis lah. Kau nak beli buku Fattah Amin pun beli lah. Atau kau nak beli buku Rosmizah-i-forgot-her-name-alaf21, beli lah. Itu duit kau, asalkan kau jangan ganggu aku. Asalkan kau jangan terbawa-bawa ideologi dalam buku tu and judge other people for something they are not.

Ada lagi satu, I have decided to erase few people from my circle because I just want to. I owe people, nothing. Dan sebaliknya sama. 

Last and not least, ampun maaf dipinta kalau tersalah bahasa, terkasar atau terbutthurt. Ayuhlah fokus kehidupan masing-masing. Aku bakal nak ada anak ni, bagilah aku chance nak jadi ibu yang baik dan kuat untuk anak aku. 

Until then, love.