#01

I don't really have much things to say, only a couple of thoughts or so. Mum called me just now, she was asking how am I, and of course how's my pregnancy so far. I don't know what has gotten into me. Tiba-tiba rasa tak mahu bercakap and silence just slip in. Macam mood swing pun iya juga, all of sudden, cold and bitter. Even this morning, as my colleague wanted to ask me few things, I showed my left hand signalling her that I was not in the mood to talk. I know, mean right? Mungkin juga mum kecil hati as I hadn't ring her for few days. Too caught up in works, I guess. 

Sebenarnya, I have no problem working my ass off, sangkut dalam kerja yang berjumbled, tapi what pisses me is bila kerja kena berkerjasama dengan orang yang tak boleh harap. Macam chipsmore, aku ada then kau takda. Bila nak cari je, hilang. Bila tanya bila siap, mulut berbuih dengan ayat manis. Ah, lagi satu bila kena hadap kerja yang so problematic. Because getting things done mean, bukan one sided party yang kena buat semua kerja while the rest bedal pass kerja. Bila aku minta benda tu ASAP, aku hantar e-mail dengan sign High Importance, maksudnya memang pentinglah. Bukan bila aku kejar kau minta your part, the answer is, eh ingat tak penting so on hold dulu lah. Agaknya, I need to raise my voice dan mengamuk macam betina mengandung yang pre-meroyan baru semua reti nak berkerjasama. 

Again, please read the first line on the second paragraph. I don't mind having too much things/tahi/problems to be done. Not at all. But at least, if you want to centralized things, putting me in circle of dia-buat-semua-kerja, please...please...provide me with info as well. Ok fine, aku ibarat baby baru nak belajar merangkak, kena minta few data from respective people, then faham sikit why these shits took days on my side. Aku baru nak belajar merangkak, esoknya kau suruh aku berlari. No, not funny. 

You get what I mean? 

No, don't say yes. Just read and laugh, I don't need your damn brain to digest things I've said here. Becoming mom trains me to be tough. Walau penat, jangan membebel penat, terus buat kerja. Because bebeling won't help. Membebel cuma buat mood rosak dan at the end of the day, you curse yourself for getting mad at your husband for no reason at all. 

On another note, I have deleted the previous posts because I realize I'm too old to be deep, shallow, and pretending to be jargonistic as hell. From now on, let's write shits not according to people's mockery. 

Bak kata Pessoa,
No, I don't want to requote Pessoa.

Kau nak tulis macam budak baru putus cinta, budak darjah satu, atau whatsoever, tulis lah. Kau nak beli buku Fattah Amin pun beli lah. Atau kau nak beli buku Rosmizah-i-forgot-her-name-alaf21, beli lah. Itu duit kau, asalkan kau jangan ganggu aku. Asalkan kau jangan terbawa-bawa ideologi dalam buku tu and judge other people for something they are not.

Ada lagi satu, I have decided to erase few people from my circle because I just want to. I owe people, nothing. Dan sebaliknya sama. 

Last and not least, ampun maaf dipinta kalau tersalah bahasa, terkasar atau terbutthurt. Ayuhlah fokus kehidupan masing-masing. Aku bakal nak ada anak ni, bagilah aku chance nak jadi ibu yang baik dan kuat untuk anak aku. 

Until then, love.

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