#03

Kau tahu tak satu benda yang paling aku takut? Aku tak dapat bagi kasih sayang pada anak yang bakal aku lahirkan. I'm afraid I won't be able to invest a qood and quality time with him as much as he needs me to. Dari satu sudut bila aku perhatikan diri aku sendiri, I have so much love to give, yet I don't know how. I can't even love person in a proper way. I'm egoistic, and selfish as well. Dalam keluarga, I rather assumed myself as the rebellious one. I have the desire to do things according to my understanding and beliefs. 

Aku sanggup tinggalkan kesenangan, and loved ones to be on my own, here, at this remote place. Just to prove that, aku mampu hidup sendiri, aku mampu bertapak, dan aku lebih baik dari apa yang orang percaya aku mampu buat. I bought tickets with every saving I had, tanpa pengetahuan ahli keluarga yang lain, nailed the interview, cari rumah sewa on the night I supposed to work lepas kena tipu dengan agen rumah sewa di KL masa tu. But it didn't bother me, I kept moving on. (Hampir) semua orang against keputusan yang aku buat, sebab I have no one here. Again at this remote place. Abang jauh di JB, dan jujur waktu tu aku dan Jerry sendiri didn't contact each other as we'd parted our own ways. But I managed. 

No, that's not the end to it. Even if I manage to convince people of my ability, I fail in one thing. The distance causes so much pain, and heartbreaks. I fail to love people I should love. Tak kira sekerap mana sekalipun aku mengirim pesanan atau menelefon mum, atau siblings yang lain, we grew apart. Aku sudah tidak berkesempatan melihat adik bongsu sendiri membesar dan menjadi seorang anak gadis yang pemarah, manja, keras kepala dan cengeng. I lost count how many days went by without seeing mum's face, tanpa mendengar leteran mama, dan I couldn't reven remember keadaan susur atur rumah sejak kali terakhir aku tinggalkan.

That's the irony. Even if I succeed, I still fail. I don't know how to love. I let the ego in me to control my thoughts and being. Kadang-kadang, aku lebih suka menang. Aku lebih suka sunyi menyusup ke hujung talian dari membalas 'Aku sayang kau juga' to people I love. Pernah beberapa kali, aku nangis di depan Jerry dan bagitahu how much I love people around me, but I just don't know how to show. Dengan bebanan kerja yang semakin bertambah hari demi hari, mampukah aku untuk tunjuk the love I reserve for them?

Untuk anak yang bakal aku lahirkan, 
The love I have for you is a blessing and can't even be described with words. I might unable to express it with words, but if you see me waking up at 5, making breakfast for your dear Daddy Jerry, or call your grandma at 11 just to know if she's fine, or stalk you auntie's fb to make sure she doesn't have boyfriend, or hug your daddy Jerry while he's asleep, or discussing your uncle Titing's future at night, please, please, please...I would do the same to you. Me and your daddy Jerry have planned everything for you so you don't have to walk the same path as I did. No, not to live in agony the way I did. 

As for now,  membesar dan lahirlah dengan selamat, my dear son. 

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